Our Trip to the Hospital

Well I promised more on this and so here we go. My husband was out of town on a business trip a couple of months ago and S decided to just lose it. It was a bad, bad rage and I was scared of him. I had never been scared of him or to go back to my house, but at that point I was scared. His attachment therapist told us it was time for us to take him for an evaluation to see if they wanted to admit him to the psych hospital. So with a lot of tears, me telling my mom that tough loved suck and I feeling like God had dropped me on my butt, I packed up my son and took him. My dad went with me, because Rob was still out of town. That is one of the lowest moments of my life. I tried to hold him and tried not to cry while we waited for hours. Even now the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. Well they finally got him admitted and my dad and I walked out of the hospital arm in arm both bawling. Little did I know this was going to be the start of things getting worse not better. It turns out that S loved the hospital. It was much like an orphanage, he didn't have to attach to anyone and he turned on the charm to get what he wanted. He was there for a week and in our "family session" one of the social workers had told him about deal breakers (ie if you hurt yourself or someone else, destroy property or threaten to hurt yourself) then you will have to come back. Well he was happy to hear this and so he came home on Friday night and we were taking him back on Saturday. At this point I was mad I could see through his ploy but Rob was determined to take him back. So another three weeks later and hearing him say, "I hate you," "I don't want a family," "Living on a street would be better than coming home," etc., we finally tried to bring him home again. During this time Rob had just started dialysis and I was overwhelmed. The child did not want to come home and the hospital basically told me "He doesn't need to come back here. This is not a place for him." The first three days the child would not step foot in the house. We lived at a friends of mine house who were truly a God send and have walked through every step with us. However, I told S and my family that there were no deal brakers and he was not going back to the hospital. I was tempted to add over the death of my marriage or the death of me, but I refrained. Finally we got Solomon home and stable on some meds. I know that people don't necessarily believe in medicating children, heck I don't really believe in it, but S needs it to function. Thus in our family it is a necessity. So while him coming home was a week of hell, that was a few months ago and things are better now. I can see the healing coming about slowly. We have had a few setbacks. The police have been to my house a few times. He has one more trip back to the hospital that was out of our control, and yes that was the lowest point of this entire journey I felt like God had sucker punched me. However, I also saw out of that my child say HE wanted TO COME HOME. That was so huge. I just wanted to give him a huge hug and a kiss when he said that, but I refrained cause I am just a cool mama like that. We are going to get there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. For anyone who is struggling today, know there is home, and if you ever need anything feel free to email or leave a post here. It is hard, but with God's help I am going to survive this in mostly one piece.

Haiti Mission Trip

Well the boys are really giving it to me this weekend. They know I am leaving next Friday to go on a mission trip. What they do not know is that I am going to Haiti. I am both nervous and excited about this trip. I will be working with Heartline Ministries, which is a group I think that is just absoultely wonderful. I am experiencing mixed feelings about going though. I always loved Haiti while I was there, but now I know some dark things about it. I am excited to go and work with these awesome people I have read about and followed their ministeries. However I am also nervous. I know that I will be leaving my children at home and I worry how they will handle me being gone for a whole week. This is the longest I have been gone from them since they came home. I also worry about how I will feel being back in a place I know where such evil was perpetrated on my children. Part of me wants to hunt down the people who did some of the things that happened to them, and part of me is in such disgust I hope I never see them. This trip is stirring up all of these emotions. I honestly am not sure how I will react. However, I do know that God's hand is in all of this and He appointed this time for me to go back to Haiti. I wait with baited breath to see what He has in store for me. Yet, faithfully I will go and follow in His footsteps.

Well I am Back!

Alright my fellow blog readers who have nothing to read for a long, long time now. I am back to posting. Summer is here and we have made the decision that next year I have to stay at home. S can not handle it when I am not here. It is wierd the dynamic that has developed there. He can not stand it when I am gone, but when I am here I get the I could care less about you being here attitude. Lots has happened since my last post. S has had three stays in the psych hospital. The last one was done involuntarily. The first one he learned all kinds of lovely behaviors, such as telling us he hated us and didn't want a family. He actually loved the psych hospital because it was so much like the orphanage and he was comfortable there. When he first came home for three days we could not get him to even step foot in the house. It was horrible. The last time he was there was much better. He actually wanted to come home and did not want to go there. I was so frustrated with the hospital staff. I fought and fought against them committing him. However in the end they did and I had no choice. I have never felt so helpless in my life. That was horrible. Since he came home the last time and we have gotten him on some meds things have seemed to calm down. However the last fit, was the last straw. We decided then and there that I had to be at home. Just him having that knowledge has seemed to help. I also went to part time the last part of the year and that helped as well. Also my husband started dialysis since my last post. That has been an emotional roller coaster. We are trying to get him listed for a kidney transplant and pray that the dialysis lasts long enough for him to make it. J is struggling with all the attention S is having and has started to have more and more fits. We have had brain scans done on S and can see where his little brain is just not functioning like "normal." He also tests at a pre-k level and is 8 and half. Through a huge blessing we have been blessed with some free tutoring from the Huntington Learning Center. An awesome place and I highly recommend them. We are also going to try them in some sports camps. Well that is a quick and dirty update. I will update more on the psych hospital and the brain scans later.