I really, really Love my Children.

I am putting together a nice gift for my mother for Christmas that involves a bunch of photos. So today I got the chance to look back through all of the photos of the boy since they got home. Man have we had some good times together. We really have I have some great pictures that have genuine smiles of the boys and those are great and wonderful. However I think that the pictures that are stirring my heart this morning are the ones that painfully show their pain. Looking back I see the deep soulful looks. I can see the pain there, but I can also see the healing. When you are in the middle of mud and yuck, you forget to look backwards and see how far you have walked through the mud. I would never be able to do this without the help of our many therapist. I have true sympathy for those who have to walk through this alone. I know that there are miles and miles of junk to work through, but on this Christmas Eve I am thankful for the small glimpses of "normal" that we get. Even when those glimpses come with a little mud. I get caught up in the fact of the sabatoage that happens after a really good time with them,and forget that heck for an hour (or two minutes) we had a really good family time and no one got a consequence. So my prayer for me and all of the families going through this time on this Christmas Eve is that we can find the fun and joy in raising our children even when that comes with a different wrapping paper one that is a little dirty and scuffed up.

I Hate RAD (but love my children)

I hate RAD. I do, I do, I do. I hate the things it steals from us and my children. I hate that we can't just have a fun time out together without always having to be on the look out for when is the sabatoge coming. What is going to set him off this time? Will sending him to his room cause the major melt down? Am I going to get punched, kicked, or bitten today because I deny him the simplest thing? Or is my other child going to turn on the Chinese water torture because I refused to let him pick out a new toy when resting in his room? So yes I DO HATE RAD.

However I love my children. Yesterday at church was such a good refresher for me. There is this great song by the David Crowder Band, called "How He Loves Us." You can find it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxTOsQ3LDE4

Well they sang it at church yesterday and J was standing beside and he was just belting it out as loud as he could in my ear. It was the sweetest thing ever, and the boy knows how to belt a tune even if it is a little off key. He also was playing with my hair (without pulling it, etc). The whole message was about how we need to worship even when crap hits the fan. I walked into church and was literally praying, "God if this is going to be my life and there is never going to be fun it, then I just want to die." (Not proud of this moment but it is honestly what I was walking through at the time.) I walked out of church feeling renewed and rejuvenated. I really do wish I could bottle that feeling up and pass it out to everyone who was feeling like I did yesterday morning. Now does this mean that I walked out of church and the same behaviors didn't meet me again full force. No all the same crap was there, I just was trying to look through it, to it. I was looking through the lying to the fact that there is going to be a healing one day. Through the crying fits to the fact that I have a scared and hurt little boy, but he is learning to trust slowly and that scares the crap out of him. I will always be transparent here because I want people to know they do not walk through this alone. I am so glad God didn't hear my prayer yesterday morning because if he had then I would of missed an awesome blessing in church yesterday. As one of my "friends" says just keep swimming.

This is Normal??

Wow I had a scary thought today. I was talking to Rob and started to say, "Man I will be glad when our life gets back to normal." Then I stopped myself and thought holy crap this is normal. We are currently walking through Rob looking at being hospitalized for a few days because he is retaining fluid and can't get it to drain off. We also found out in the next month we will be going to UAB for him to be evaluated for a kidney transplant. The boys are going through the RAD stuff (another post for another day entitled "I HATE RAD!!!").

When I start thinking about this I get a little depressed. I have been reading a lot lately to keep me sane, ummm or to not kill certain children, your choice. LOL I mean I have been reading this awesome book called "Do You think I'm beautiful?" And it is all about how God created us to dance with Him. To just step into His arms and trust Him fully. However, lately I have been thinking, God if this is the dance you called me to can I do it? Do I want to do it? I mean sometimes it seems like one blow after another.

I meet an awesome Christian man who treats me like a princess, but oh wait he faces a terminal illness (yes Cystic Fibrosis is a terminal illness) who I am told while we are still engaged if he doesn't have a lung transplant he will be dead in five years. So we go through the transplant process being evaluated a week after our honeymoon, three dry runs (called over for a possible transplant but the lungs were no good), and finally we get the transplant and life is going good. We try an IVF to get pregnant, but the embryos are no good because of his CF. But just keep on trudging thinking ok God really isn't this enough? When is the break I get? Then we keep going and we find these wonderful kids to adopt and we are going to be a happy family. Oh but wait we are now faced with children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well we will get through it right? Yep great I have help and a supportive family, but oh wait in the middle of this your husband's kidneys are going to fail and he is faced with either dialysis or another transplant, a kidney one this time. I mean come on God give me a break literally.

Just once in this lifetime I want life to be easy. To just breeze through things. Did I get all of my easy breaks growing up and now life is going to be hard forever? I mean honestly it is one thing after another. There are a million other little things that have happened in the middle of all this that sometimes seem to be the straw that broke the camel back. I know I have to hold to the promises that God destines everything for the God of those that love him, and that He loves me and wants to dance with me. But dang it I am only human and sometimes it is so hard to hold to his promises. I am sympathizing with all of you out there walking through hard times. Know you don't suffer alone and if there is anything I can do to help let me know.

The Weekend from Well You Know Where

Well this weekend was a doozy. First the youngest one acted out all day on Saturday. Drip...drip...drip. Climbing on the counter at the grocery store, telling me he was telling me something not asking, asking or repeating the same thing I had just said or answered a million times (ok maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but man did it seem like it). I know this child is our "traditional" RAD child, and I know all of this is because of trauma. However when he goes to the restroom and come out covered in water and tells you he has been playing in the water, well my brain just wants to go bonkers. It is like I forget that he is only five. I find myself stepping outside myself and being like "J what were you thinking? What are our rules? Really you thought it was a good idea to be playing in the water and soak your shirt?" If it was just one thing I could overlook it a little more, but no this is constant all day. He missed a big reward too, no getting his hair braided, eating out with mommy, or watching a Christmas show on TV. Man did we ever pay for it the rest of weekend.

I started out Sunday with him head butting me on purpose. I ended it by being kicked in the mouth and nose by my oldest. I swear it is almost a relief to go to work. I give major props to the moms who can do this day in and day out while homeschooling their children.

I do know that this comes from attachment issues. I see the attachment that is happening. I know it is there, but man do I ever hate the sabotage that comes with that. I HATE RAD. It sucks to constantly be on guard and to never be able to totally get lost in the moment with them. I love having fun with my children. I live to give them new experiences and to see the happiness and excitement on their face. It sucks to never just be able to give into that totally.

However I also see the blessings of having these children. I am learning to parent and love in a whole new way. I know that God is going to heal them and it is going to be wonderful. I get to see glimpses of that healing. I actually get real hugs now from the youngest one, I mean holding on for seconds. That never used to happen. I see getting to comfort the oldest one sometimes. I see them talking about their feelings. I see myself maturing in my walk with God through working with these boys. The blessings and the healing is there, just some days and some moments that gets lost in the middle of fighting a battle, not with my children, but with this horrible thing called RAD.

Update

Wow. Where does the time go? I just realized I have not posted here in months and months. I guess I will give a quick over all update.

~The devil is great at attacking, and attacking, and attacking. I have been in the hospital with pneumonia. Rob now needs a kidney transplant (Rob was born with Cystic Fibrosis and had a double lung transplant almost 7 years ago). I have had to have a root canal. There has been a death in the family. And on and on and on. I have to trust that God is right smack dab in the middle of this, but sometimes I just want to curl up in the corner, cover my head, and pretend this is someone else's life. Then I want to just scream at Him I did not sign up for this and how much more in the hell does He think I can take. I am not as strong as He thinks I am and doesn't He think that two children with RAD are enough for one family to deal with. (Wow! Guess there was some anger there. Please excuse me while I have a moment with God to yell about how unfair all this seems).

~We bought a new, beautiful house. We are keeping our old house to rent out/so Rob has a place to go if he decides to bail (ok my thoughts not his). However to me this new house is HUGE!!!!! And my favorite part is my big huge bathtub, that the boys are trying to claim and I am stubbornly refusing. (They have their own tub gosh darn it and that is mommy's space, even Rob doesn't interfere.)

~One good thing that came out of my having pneumonia seems to be the fact that now J can not get enough hugs from mommy. The bad news is that this scares the crap out of him and so the Chinese Water Torture treatment is back harder than ever. Last Sunday Rob was out of town and he decided to write on his wall in the new house. Then even though he knew I knew he lied about it at first. It is so hard to keep up with therapeutic parenting when they do stuff to push your buttons (I do realize this is the reason they do it, but dang it can't they just once not know me so well. LOL)

~R tried to choke me the other day. He was mad because I was just getting home from work and then was leaving to go to parent training. He got a toy in his hand (a stringy yo yo type thing) and tried to wrap it around my neck. I left him jumping on the trampoline because he would not express his feelings and honestly I was in shock and could not think of another "natural" consequence.

~Sometimes therapeutic parenting is not fun. (Ok let's face it 99.9% of the time it is not fun). Sometimes I don't want to be the grown up. I want to yell back, pinch back, pull their hair, etc. I know this is not adult like at all, but gosh darn it I don't think I ever said I want to be a grown up when I grow up. This is not what parenting is supposed to be like. Yes there are good times and you savor and love them. However, there are many more bad times than good times and I know...hope... this is not what live is like forever, but sometimes it is hard not to feel stuck.

Well I guess that is enough for now. I am going to try and keep this blog updated more. Oh one more bit of news. I feel like God is leading me to get my Masters in Attachment Therapy or something similar. I want to open a preschool for older kids with RAD (ie when my R came home not reading and writing he needed a preschool type environment) and also have a family counseling center tied in with it. I have no idea how it will all play out, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as God walks me down this path.

Working and Stuff

Well I have been going to training this week and last week. It is a bit crazy and long but I can really get behind the philosophy of this organization. It is all based on choice theory and you can not force a student to do anything you can only offer them choices. It also feeds into that only you can control your behavior (not sure I buy into that 100%) but a lot of the rubber meets the road part to it is a lot like "Love and Logic." I will be working with at risk students which is the group that I really like working with.

With the boys we are kinda at a stand still. We have a parent trainer that follows Nancy Thomas 100%, who believes that her way is the only way and if we don't follow it then it is never going to work. She thinks if I don't stay at home, never go out with the boys, keep their world small, etc then I am setting up the boys to just fail and never attach to anyone. Oh I also am not supposed to discipline the boys, that is only supposed to come from Rob. I have never been a homebody, I need to go out even if it is just going to Wal-Mart, and also have been much more of a disciplinarian then Rob. It is just our natural roles. But I have to be almost fake with the boys and I think this is never going to work because I am not this person I need to be.

Now we are also going to an attachment therapist that works with the boys and us. They are like you have to be yourself and be comfortable. So for example me being a disciplinarian they are like if that is your natural role then you do that and we will work through the fall out in therapy. This idea allows me to be much more comfortable and in my mind foster genuine attachment because I am not being this 'fake' perfect mom. So now we are trying to figure out what are the best parts of both and use them to fit us. This is a difficult and hard task.

We had a great weekend this weekend. We went to a local park and watched a laser and fireworks show. We had two great days with the boys and I hate to even say this but I am waiting and watching on the sabotage especially from J. I hate this: loving the moment we are in, but always waiting on the other shoe to drop. I will and do look for the good and fully enjoy them while we are in them, but I will always be expecting the bad so I don't get too let down. I know this is so hard to do and I try not to be surprised by his bad behavior. Alright well that is a little bit of a catch up on where we are. This life is difficult and complicated so we make the best of it and just keep going.

Well at the Grind Again

Ok so I guess I just thought I was going to stay at home for the next year. It has been a rough week and a lot has been happening including what I thought was the end of my marriage. Luckily we are hanging on by a thread it seems like some days. We do have a great counselor for the boys that I think will help if we continue to go. So with all this fun and excitement a job fell into my lap almost literally and so I am going to be working a traditional teacher's schedule. I just could not justify not taking it when I am afraid at the very least we are going to be operating in two different households. Well so that is where I am right now. I am feeling between a rock and a hard place, put between taking care of my children and taking care of my husband. This is a pretty depressing post so I guess I will stop.

Home Sweet Home....Or Something Like That

Alright well folks I did it. I made the switch to being a stay at home mom and besides a few hours a week outside of the house for tutoring, or an occasional substitute teaching job, I will be here 24/7 for at least the next 365 days. Let's pray for my sanity and two children that don't get killed in the process. On the upside I guess ya'll will be hearing a lot more about me. So here we go as we start this fun adventure. Everyone have a great day and enjoy life. Remember if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger. (At least I think so because we are going to be testing that theory over the next year.)

And Life Goes On and On and On

I was reading one of the mom's blog I follow who also is dealing with children with RAD. In her post she was talking about how she could handle life so much better if she could just pause life for a month or so. I so feel like her right now. I feel like my life is on this roller coaster ride I cannot get off of, or like a race I am running but I am always just behind the pack. I get so tired of my radishes always pushing me and being perfect angels (sorta) for everyone else. I get tired of having to tell my husband that just having them do 10 jumping jacks is not an appropriate consequence for every.single.offense. I also get tired of having to be the creative one and come up with the consequences then playing it off like it is all from "daddy." I also think I am way to early in this game to feel this beat up and defeated all the time. Add on to this that I am dealing with a lot of crap at work (all these crazy juvenile delinquents have become sex crazed maniacs and they are getting away with their behavior but that is another post for another day). I just want to go to bed and hide away. I want a break from my life or I want a new life. And the crazy thing is at the end of the day I can only think I want a normal parenting experience. Unlike most of the people I know these are my first children. I did not come into this with a wealth of experience on how to be a parent. I want to adopt again a newborn and start all over again. Ok so I guess this is just a venting post but I am sooooooo tired and just want a break, a nice long break, on a beach or in the woods and just hide out from everyone I know.

Update (Long Post)

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. It has been a crazy time around my household lately. I am just going to do a quick bulleted list to kinda update everyone about what has been happening.

• Saturday two weeks ago I.was.done. I had had it with therapeutic parenting, with feeling like I was on a bandwagon by myself and trying to pull everyone on board. I cried on my husband's shoulder and told him I just could not do this anymore. I felt like he was refusing to discipline, my mom and dad were against me and thought I was the problem (ie my mom once told me I was the reason the boys had a problem) and the boys hated my guts too so I might as well just give up. I was feeling beat down big time. My wonderful husband though just hugged me and told me the next day I was taking a nice long break.
• On Sunday two weeks ago I went and had my nails and toes done. It was wonderfully relaxing and I did NOT feel one bit guilty about the break. Mom for her sanity needs a break every once in a while. And I will selfishly admit I tried hard not to think about my boys for one second.
• I was off work on Monday and Tuesday so it was me and the boys all day. I swear I think my oldest one really wants to work the program. It is like he has been abused for so long he is just dying to cling to me, but also doesn't know how. Our therapist says he is a very unusual RAD kid, his rage is right there on the surface and he doesn't care who sees it and also he LOVES the structure of the program. So to our therapist he is a bit of a conundrum. However our youngest is your typical RAD child. I understand now how people went crazy from Chinese Water Torture.
• Tuesday my parents came down to a therapy session. While my dad is now pretty much on board, my mom is like lagging behind the band wagon and trying to catch up. She really is struggling so please keep her in your prayers.
• Tuesday night we got the call the Rob's father passed away. So from Wednesday to Saturday therapeutic parenting kinda went out the window. I am hoping it did not set us back too much.
• Saturday was another big blow out with my mom. Every time you say something to her about something that needs to be changed she tries to point out to me everything I am doing wrong. I love my mother dearly and we have never had a relationship where we fight at all (that was my dad and I's department but always done lovingly and we both love a heated good debate). However since starting therapeutic parenting I believe that we have fought more then we have in my entire life. Both her and my husband have said very hurtful things to me in the three months since the boys came home. They have always been my most solid support, so some days not only do I feel like I am fight for my boys lives I also feel like I am in a fight for my relationship with my mother and my husband. I can understand why people get divorced when dealing with RAD children.
• Sunday was another day of more Chinese water torture. My youngest took five hours to decide he suddenly remember how to fold towels. He then folded his five towels and wash cloths in five minutes.
• Monday no major incidents or happenings to report.
• Tuesday we went to a specialist (we waited for two months to see) who told us he could be of no help but to him our boys did have a classic case of RAD. (He also told us he would never recommend anyone to adopt a child over the age of 1. Where was he when we started this journey before our hearts were involved? And yes I know God choose these boys for our family at this time, but sometimes I just want to yell "WHY GOD? I can't do this.) He also gave us some resources so it wasn't a complete waste of time. We also bought the boys a little inflatable pool that took almost all afternoon to blow up, but it was worth it to watch them crawl around in it. Almost a normal family activity, except for the fact that my oldest one told me when just him and I were blowing up the pool alone that the reason he slept with his head covered is because he did not want to see the monster's shadow. To me it sounds like he was sexually abused (from my training something a child of abuse would say).
• Wednesday was a pretty typical day. A few little incidents but nothing too major.
• Thursday I felt like I was a horrible mother. I sent my child to bed with eating nothing besides a few crackers. However he had done a typical control behavior. R was eating and I told J he had to start eating before R finished. Well as soon as R was done eating J picked up his fork to start eating (I mean as soon as his plate was picked up from the table.) We told J that he lost his opportunity to eat. He did get a few crackers because he had to take his antibiotic and we were not going to give it to him on an empty stomach.
• Friday the boys talked and talked to Nana about Haiti. Our boys suffered horrible abuse in Haiti at the hands of the orphanage workers who we entrusted to take care of them. This happened when they were moved from Port Au Prince out to Les Cayes. They have told us a few things here and there, but more and more come out almost daily. Both of my children sleep with their heads covered up even though they are sweating to death. They told Nana today that the reason they did that is because people used to come spit in their mouths while they were sleeping if they didn't. Also they made my oldest sleep in a separate room from the other children while there. This also leads me to believe that he was sexually abused. We already knew they had been beaten with a belt. Other children there would make up stories on my oldest one and then he would be punished (He gets highly upset if he is falsely accused of something, like I mean major denial and crying, etc more than just a normal child). There is more but it just breaks my heart that someone would do this to children. I would never recommend people to adopt from the same orphanage we used.

Well I think that is all caught up for now. Sorry I was so long in writing.

Getting Family Members on Board

Ok so today has actually been pretty awesome with the boys. We all three laid on the couch this afternoon and ended up taking a nap. No one was in trouble I was just snuggling with R and he fell asleep in my arms and J was laying up against my legs and it was just so nice and comfortable and I ended up drifting off to sleep as well.

The only problems today was J decided when he got up that he did not want to be touched by mama and he refused to do his strong sitting properly, so he got to do sloppy sitting improperly for double the time. R did a wonderful job with his strong sitting and I am really proud of him. I still am not sure what is going on between the two of them. J has been much more defiant about doing anything that even smells of therapeutic parenting. R however has just went right along with what I asked and has been more sneaky in his defiance (ie playing dumb or "forgetting" the rules). But for the most part there has been much more hard parenting with J. Maybe I am just getting played big time. I am still trying to figure all of this out.

My big problem at the moment though is getting everyone on board. I am the type of person who takes on a project and tackles it full force and does the best I can to get it done. However I feel like a lot I am having to pull along family members who are not as quiet on board. I know our therapist says therapeutic parenting will not work if everyone is not on board. So do I just not do therapeutic parenting? Am I doing more harm than good trying to enforce rules when no one else is? I think my husband just really does not get it (ie he has never been a disciplinarian and now is needing to step up to the plate because our therapist says mommy is not supposed to really discipline.) Nana has been caught in some out and out lies (ie telling daddy one thing and telling me another) and I really do not think she has her heart into doing the program. So any ideas on how to get other people in your family on board so you don't feel like you are dragging them along.

Playing Dumb

Ok so both of my children are pretty smart cookies. They came from Haiti knowing how to do some basic things, one of which is counting. Our first full day here J ended up in the hospital from severe dehydration and scabies and severe diarrhea. And one of the things we did to pass the time was to count. We counted everything. R was there and we quickly learned that they both could count to 70 with no problem. So imagine my surprise today when we were trying to count up some Blokus puzzle pieces which just went to 21. (PS Blokus is a great game to play and they are building brain skills by having to problem solve.) So first off R gets to 9 and then forgets what comes after 9. Then J decides he is going to play dumb as well and counts to 13 and then just can not remember what comes next. I was like man did I just imagine that they really can count up to 70. Then I figured out quickly, oh no we are just trying to play mommy like a fiddle. However therapeutic parenting techniques came out and we went to "rest our brains" until dinner time (because they never could remember how to count again). Resting our brains in the afternoons is a good thing for J because while he refuses to take a nap when he rests his brain he inevitably falls asleep.

Also we have started implementing at dinner time where if you chew with your mouth open, smack, or talk with your mouth full then you have to go sit at the table away from us and you do not get what the rest of us are eating. Well R was just trying to push tonight and see if we were going to follow through. So he had to go sit by himself. But then J decided to push too. So he ended up sitting over there too and eating a turkey sandwich. Well he just decided he was not going to eat anything. So we waited until we (ie my husband and I) were through eating to give him to start eating. (We have been told right now we do not worry about whether they eat or not but about them behaving and when they get hungry they will eat). He refused and so we went on with our nightly routine (ie bath time, brushing teeth, getting ready for bed). So Daddy was trying to get him to take some mouthwash they are supposed to use per the dentist before brushing their teeth. Well he ended up spitting it all over Daddy and himself. Daddy told him he had to clean it up before he went to bed. It took him over an hour of whining in the bathroom before he finally cleaned it up and now he is tucked safe and sound in the bed.

Let's see what tomorrow holds. I can't wait!!!

Whining

Ok so today we have started really implementing some techniques, like asking for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! So both of my boys are currently sitting on the couch because they were not strong enough to ask to play with the toys they had. Having them ask for everything is really tough, but not only with that both of my boys are whiners. You can be saying in a gentle voice "Mommy is sorry that you are not strong enough to ask to play with your toys. Maybe you need to sit on the couch until you can get strong enough?" Well they will sit on the couch and then just whineeeeeeeeee like you are killing them or that you took away their best friend or you have hurt their feelings beyond repair. And then comes the demanding. "HUNGRY!!!" As if I was placed on this earth only to feed them. Saying "Oh honey mommy is sorry you are not strong enough to ask to eat" is met with you guessed it, more whining. I honestly think with him food right now is something that he feels in his brain and not in his stomach. He is always hungry and always wants something to eat. Trying to break this habit leads to his favorite thing, more whining. And not giving your child something to eat when he is saying "hungry" just makes me feel all kinds of bad things about myself. I mean who let's their child starve (as my mother tells me). So where do you draw the line on feeding them? And how do you deal with the whining (when you want to stuff cotton in your ears)?

Another Day, Another Dollar

Ok so today was our day that we (ie my husband and I) go to our attachment therapist specialist, who tells us how wonderful we are doing but we could be doing xyz. Hmmmm can you tell she is also a RAD mom herself. She does help us to feel like we are trying to do the right things, but I just can not get over the fact that she does not work with the children at all. So on that note we will be looking for yet another therapist that will work with R, while for a time continuing on with her (then we will see how things go). At least there is someone saying that you need to do this and that. That is a comfort in itself.

Unlike some people right now we are not in a position for me to quit work. This makes it VERY hard for me to do therapeutic parenting. I always feel like I am being a failure at something, not doing enough at work and teaching for the students, or not doing enough at home. My parents do not help matters. While I love them both dearly and greatly appreciate the sacrifices they are making (ie Nana retired to stay at home and take care of the boys while I work), they can drive me absolutely bonkers. Our therapist is telling us that all sweets and fun times come from mama alone. Well the latest battle was over a stinking popsicle. Nana had promised the boys a popsicle (something you should never do with a RAD child) tomorrow, when we have told her no sugar from her. Well she gets upset and a long lecture ensues from my dad. I just want them to realize these are my children and mine and my husband's word are final on raising them. I am working hard to be able to stay at home with my children, but until that happens there will always be these little issues that creep up. It is hard enough to therapeutic parent and work, it is about to drive me bonkers to therapeutic parent, work, and argue with my parents about what is best for my children.

Ok so I guess that is enough venting for tonight. I have not invited my mother to this blog so I can vent about these things without her getting her feelings hurt anymore. I know this is a hard time for all of us, but I really need a little more support and a little less arguing right now. Thank God for my level headed husband who seems to keep us all sane.

Introduction

Hello Everyone! I am sure probably no one but family and friends will read this, but I plan on using this as a therapeutic place for me to post my thoughts, feelings, and basically just a way not to drive myself crazy.

So let's get started. I am a 32 year old wife, teacher, mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, and many other labels. I have been married to my sweet husband for the past 7 years. He has cystic fibrosis and had a double lung transplant as of six years ago. As a result of this we can not have children the natural way. I have always wanted to be a mother. From the time I was three and was old enough to speak I would tell people I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up. God but this strong desire in my heart to be a mother.

I knew going into our marriage we would not just be having children, but I still had faith that we would have children some how some way. I have an uncle who was adopted and so I was always open to adopt children. So a few years later after we had been married and my husband had a transplant we decided to adopt.

We started our adoption journey looking for a Central American Country. We had three children we were interested in adopting from Guatemala. However this did not work out and so Haiti was the next closest country to Guatemala that we were eligible to adopt from.

This is when God brought us to our two precious boys. I was shown their picture and fell in love with them, totally and completely. So my husband and I started the process of their adoption. It was a long difficult process that was not completed until after us knowing about the boys for two years. I know that just in the time that I knew about the boys they had lived through 4 hurricanes, a food riot, and the major Haiti earthquake. I had a good sense that the oldest one would have some major attachment disorder because I had seen some raging that would last for over an hour in Haiti over simply not being able to control everything, ie an hour plus long fit because I told him he had to share a toy with his brother. However they were my boys and I was bringing them home come h-e-double hockey sticks.

Well now we have been home for almost three months. And while they are still my boys that I love very much, I also find myself mourning for a "normal" parenting experience. We have had major fits since practically the first day he came home. We have learned to avoid them while looking for help so they have reduced, but I still bear the scars of some of his major fits. The last one was on Saturday because I told him he had to drink water with his lunch and he could not have a coke (which he never gets). We have found a therapeutic parenting counselor to work with us as his parents, but we still need to find someone to work with him. We have been through a talk therapist that was doing nothing but trying to put him on medication. We have another appointment with another specialist to work with him in the middle of June. I will go to a million therapist and weed each of them out to find someone to help my boy. The youngest one does not rage, but does have some of the same symptoms of RAD. However I do not know if they are just mimic behaviors, or true RAD symptoms. Our therapeutic counselor says that she would be surprised if he does not have some attachment problems.

So anyway welcome to our crazy life. I am not sure that my rambling will do much to help with anyone, but it does help me to document our story. I am just in the beginning stages of this long battle for my child's heart and already at times feel so overwhelmed. If anyone has any great ideas, please share. I would love to hear from you.