I really, really Love my Children.

I am putting together a nice gift for my mother for Christmas that involves a bunch of photos. So today I got the chance to look back through all of the photos of the boy since they got home. Man have we had some good times together. We really have I have some great pictures that have genuine smiles of the boys and those are great and wonderful. However I think that the pictures that are stirring my heart this morning are the ones that painfully show their pain. Looking back I see the deep soulful looks. I can see the pain there, but I can also see the healing. When you are in the middle of mud and yuck, you forget to look backwards and see how far you have walked through the mud. I would never be able to do this without the help of our many therapist. I have true sympathy for those who have to walk through this alone. I know that there are miles and miles of junk to work through, but on this Christmas Eve I am thankful for the small glimpses of "normal" that we get. Even when those glimpses come with a little mud. I get caught up in the fact of the sabatoage that happens after a really good time with them,and forget that heck for an hour (or two minutes) we had a really good family time and no one got a consequence. So my prayer for me and all of the families going through this time on this Christmas Eve is that we can find the fun and joy in raising our children even when that comes with a different wrapping paper one that is a little dirty and scuffed up.

I Hate RAD (but love my children)

I hate RAD. I do, I do, I do. I hate the things it steals from us and my children. I hate that we can't just have a fun time out together without always having to be on the look out for when is the sabatoge coming. What is going to set him off this time? Will sending him to his room cause the major melt down? Am I going to get punched, kicked, or bitten today because I deny him the simplest thing? Or is my other child going to turn on the Chinese water torture because I refused to let him pick out a new toy when resting in his room? So yes I DO HATE RAD.

However I love my children. Yesterday at church was such a good refresher for me. There is this great song by the David Crowder Band, called "How He Loves Us." You can find it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxTOsQ3LDE4

Well they sang it at church yesterday and J was standing beside and he was just belting it out as loud as he could in my ear. It was the sweetest thing ever, and the boy knows how to belt a tune even if it is a little off key. He also was playing with my hair (without pulling it, etc). The whole message was about how we need to worship even when crap hits the fan. I walked into church and was literally praying, "God if this is going to be my life and there is never going to be fun it, then I just want to die." (Not proud of this moment but it is honestly what I was walking through at the time.) I walked out of church feeling renewed and rejuvenated. I really do wish I could bottle that feeling up and pass it out to everyone who was feeling like I did yesterday morning. Now does this mean that I walked out of church and the same behaviors didn't meet me again full force. No all the same crap was there, I just was trying to look through it, to it. I was looking through the lying to the fact that there is going to be a healing one day. Through the crying fits to the fact that I have a scared and hurt little boy, but he is learning to trust slowly and that scares the crap out of him. I will always be transparent here because I want people to know they do not walk through this alone. I am so glad God didn't hear my prayer yesterday morning because if he had then I would of missed an awesome blessing in church yesterday. As one of my "friends" says just keep swimming.

This is Normal??

Wow I had a scary thought today. I was talking to Rob and started to say, "Man I will be glad when our life gets back to normal." Then I stopped myself and thought holy crap this is normal. We are currently walking through Rob looking at being hospitalized for a few days because he is retaining fluid and can't get it to drain off. We also found out in the next month we will be going to UAB for him to be evaluated for a kidney transplant. The boys are going through the RAD stuff (another post for another day entitled "I HATE RAD!!!").

When I start thinking about this I get a little depressed. I have been reading a lot lately to keep me sane, ummm or to not kill certain children, your choice. LOL I mean I have been reading this awesome book called "Do You think I'm beautiful?" And it is all about how God created us to dance with Him. To just step into His arms and trust Him fully. However, lately I have been thinking, God if this is the dance you called me to can I do it? Do I want to do it? I mean sometimes it seems like one blow after another.

I meet an awesome Christian man who treats me like a princess, but oh wait he faces a terminal illness (yes Cystic Fibrosis is a terminal illness) who I am told while we are still engaged if he doesn't have a lung transplant he will be dead in five years. So we go through the transplant process being evaluated a week after our honeymoon, three dry runs (called over for a possible transplant but the lungs were no good), and finally we get the transplant and life is going good. We try an IVF to get pregnant, but the embryos are no good because of his CF. But just keep on trudging thinking ok God really isn't this enough? When is the break I get? Then we keep going and we find these wonderful kids to adopt and we are going to be a happy family. Oh but wait we are now faced with children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well we will get through it right? Yep great I have help and a supportive family, but oh wait in the middle of this your husband's kidneys are going to fail and he is faced with either dialysis or another transplant, a kidney one this time. I mean come on God give me a break literally.

Just once in this lifetime I want life to be easy. To just breeze through things. Did I get all of my easy breaks growing up and now life is going to be hard forever? I mean honestly it is one thing after another. There are a million other little things that have happened in the middle of all this that sometimes seem to be the straw that broke the camel back. I know I have to hold to the promises that God destines everything for the God of those that love him, and that He loves me and wants to dance with me. But dang it I am only human and sometimes it is so hard to hold to his promises. I am sympathizing with all of you out there walking through hard times. Know you don't suffer alone and if there is anything I can do to help let me know.

The Weekend from Well You Know Where

Well this weekend was a doozy. First the youngest one acted out all day on Saturday. Drip...drip...drip. Climbing on the counter at the grocery store, telling me he was telling me something not asking, asking or repeating the same thing I had just said or answered a million times (ok maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but man did it seem like it). I know this child is our "traditional" RAD child, and I know all of this is because of trauma. However when he goes to the restroom and come out covered in water and tells you he has been playing in the water, well my brain just wants to go bonkers. It is like I forget that he is only five. I find myself stepping outside myself and being like "J what were you thinking? What are our rules? Really you thought it was a good idea to be playing in the water and soak your shirt?" If it was just one thing I could overlook it a little more, but no this is constant all day. He missed a big reward too, no getting his hair braided, eating out with mommy, or watching a Christmas show on TV. Man did we ever pay for it the rest of weekend.

I started out Sunday with him head butting me on purpose. I ended it by being kicked in the mouth and nose by my oldest. I swear it is almost a relief to go to work. I give major props to the moms who can do this day in and day out while homeschooling their children.

I do know that this comes from attachment issues. I see the attachment that is happening. I know it is there, but man do I ever hate the sabotage that comes with that. I HATE RAD. It sucks to constantly be on guard and to never be able to totally get lost in the moment with them. I love having fun with my children. I live to give them new experiences and to see the happiness and excitement on their face. It sucks to never just be able to give into that totally.

However I also see the blessings of having these children. I am learning to parent and love in a whole new way. I know that God is going to heal them and it is going to be wonderful. I get to see glimpses of that healing. I actually get real hugs now from the youngest one, I mean holding on for seconds. That never used to happen. I see getting to comfort the oldest one sometimes. I see them talking about their feelings. I see myself maturing in my walk with God through working with these boys. The blessings and the healing is there, just some days and some moments that gets lost in the middle of fighting a battle, not with my children, but with this horrible thing called RAD.

Update

Wow. Where does the time go? I just realized I have not posted here in months and months. I guess I will give a quick over all update.

~The devil is great at attacking, and attacking, and attacking. I have been in the hospital with pneumonia. Rob now needs a kidney transplant (Rob was born with Cystic Fibrosis and had a double lung transplant almost 7 years ago). I have had to have a root canal. There has been a death in the family. And on and on and on. I have to trust that God is right smack dab in the middle of this, but sometimes I just want to curl up in the corner, cover my head, and pretend this is someone else's life. Then I want to just scream at Him I did not sign up for this and how much more in the hell does He think I can take. I am not as strong as He thinks I am and doesn't He think that two children with RAD are enough for one family to deal with. (Wow! Guess there was some anger there. Please excuse me while I have a moment with God to yell about how unfair all this seems).

~We bought a new, beautiful house. We are keeping our old house to rent out/so Rob has a place to go if he decides to bail (ok my thoughts not his). However to me this new house is HUGE!!!!! And my favorite part is my big huge bathtub, that the boys are trying to claim and I am stubbornly refusing. (They have their own tub gosh darn it and that is mommy's space, even Rob doesn't interfere.)

~One good thing that came out of my having pneumonia seems to be the fact that now J can not get enough hugs from mommy. The bad news is that this scares the crap out of him and so the Chinese Water Torture treatment is back harder than ever. Last Sunday Rob was out of town and he decided to write on his wall in the new house. Then even though he knew I knew he lied about it at first. It is so hard to keep up with therapeutic parenting when they do stuff to push your buttons (I do realize this is the reason they do it, but dang it can't they just once not know me so well. LOL)

~R tried to choke me the other day. He was mad because I was just getting home from work and then was leaving to go to parent training. He got a toy in his hand (a stringy yo yo type thing) and tried to wrap it around my neck. I left him jumping on the trampoline because he would not express his feelings and honestly I was in shock and could not think of another "natural" consequence.

~Sometimes therapeutic parenting is not fun. (Ok let's face it 99.9% of the time it is not fun). Sometimes I don't want to be the grown up. I want to yell back, pinch back, pull their hair, etc. I know this is not adult like at all, but gosh darn it I don't think I ever said I want to be a grown up when I grow up. This is not what parenting is supposed to be like. Yes there are good times and you savor and love them. However, there are many more bad times than good times and I know...hope... this is not what live is like forever, but sometimes it is hard not to feel stuck.

Well I guess that is enough for now. I am going to try and keep this blog updated more. Oh one more bit of news. I feel like God is leading me to get my Masters in Attachment Therapy or something similar. I want to open a preschool for older kids with RAD (ie when my R came home not reading and writing he needed a preschool type environment) and also have a family counseling center tied in with it. I have no idea how it will all play out, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as God walks me down this path.