And Life Goes On and On and On

I was reading one of the mom's blog I follow who also is dealing with children with RAD. In her post she was talking about how she could handle life so much better if she could just pause life for a month or so. I so feel like her right now. I feel like my life is on this roller coaster ride I cannot get off of, or like a race I am running but I am always just behind the pack. I get so tired of my radishes always pushing me and being perfect angels (sorta) for everyone else. I get tired of having to tell my husband that just having them do 10 jumping jacks is not an appropriate consequence for every.single.offense. I also get tired of having to be the creative one and come up with the consequences then playing it off like it is all from "daddy." I also think I am way to early in this game to feel this beat up and defeated all the time. Add on to this that I am dealing with a lot of crap at work (all these crazy juvenile delinquents have become sex crazed maniacs and they are getting away with their behavior but that is another post for another day). I just want to go to bed and hide away. I want a break from my life or I want a new life. And the crazy thing is at the end of the day I can only think I want a normal parenting experience. Unlike most of the people I know these are my first children. I did not come into this with a wealth of experience on how to be a parent. I want to adopt again a newborn and start all over again. Ok so I guess this is just a venting post but I am sooooooo tired and just want a break, a nice long break, on a beach or in the woods and just hide out from everyone I know.

Update (Long Post)

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. It has been a crazy time around my household lately. I am just going to do a quick bulleted list to kinda update everyone about what has been happening.

• Saturday two weeks ago I.was.done. I had had it with therapeutic parenting, with feeling like I was on a bandwagon by myself and trying to pull everyone on board. I cried on my husband's shoulder and told him I just could not do this anymore. I felt like he was refusing to discipline, my mom and dad were against me and thought I was the problem (ie my mom once told me I was the reason the boys had a problem) and the boys hated my guts too so I might as well just give up. I was feeling beat down big time. My wonderful husband though just hugged me and told me the next day I was taking a nice long break.
• On Sunday two weeks ago I went and had my nails and toes done. It was wonderfully relaxing and I did NOT feel one bit guilty about the break. Mom for her sanity needs a break every once in a while. And I will selfishly admit I tried hard not to think about my boys for one second.
• I was off work on Monday and Tuesday so it was me and the boys all day. I swear I think my oldest one really wants to work the program. It is like he has been abused for so long he is just dying to cling to me, but also doesn't know how. Our therapist says he is a very unusual RAD kid, his rage is right there on the surface and he doesn't care who sees it and also he LOVES the structure of the program. So to our therapist he is a bit of a conundrum. However our youngest is your typical RAD child. I understand now how people went crazy from Chinese Water Torture.
• Tuesday my parents came down to a therapy session. While my dad is now pretty much on board, my mom is like lagging behind the band wagon and trying to catch up. She really is struggling so please keep her in your prayers.
• Tuesday night we got the call the Rob's father passed away. So from Wednesday to Saturday therapeutic parenting kinda went out the window. I am hoping it did not set us back too much.
• Saturday was another big blow out with my mom. Every time you say something to her about something that needs to be changed she tries to point out to me everything I am doing wrong. I love my mother dearly and we have never had a relationship where we fight at all (that was my dad and I's department but always done lovingly and we both love a heated good debate). However since starting therapeutic parenting I believe that we have fought more then we have in my entire life. Both her and my husband have said very hurtful things to me in the three months since the boys came home. They have always been my most solid support, so some days not only do I feel like I am fight for my boys lives I also feel like I am in a fight for my relationship with my mother and my husband. I can understand why people get divorced when dealing with RAD children.
• Sunday was another day of more Chinese water torture. My youngest took five hours to decide he suddenly remember how to fold towels. He then folded his five towels and wash cloths in five minutes.
• Monday no major incidents or happenings to report.
• Tuesday we went to a specialist (we waited for two months to see) who told us he could be of no help but to him our boys did have a classic case of RAD. (He also told us he would never recommend anyone to adopt a child over the age of 1. Where was he when we started this journey before our hearts were involved? And yes I know God choose these boys for our family at this time, but sometimes I just want to yell "WHY GOD? I can't do this.) He also gave us some resources so it wasn't a complete waste of time. We also bought the boys a little inflatable pool that took almost all afternoon to blow up, but it was worth it to watch them crawl around in it. Almost a normal family activity, except for the fact that my oldest one told me when just him and I were blowing up the pool alone that the reason he slept with his head covered is because he did not want to see the monster's shadow. To me it sounds like he was sexually abused (from my training something a child of abuse would say).
• Wednesday was a pretty typical day. A few little incidents but nothing too major.
• Thursday I felt like I was a horrible mother. I sent my child to bed with eating nothing besides a few crackers. However he had done a typical control behavior. R was eating and I told J he had to start eating before R finished. Well as soon as R was done eating J picked up his fork to start eating (I mean as soon as his plate was picked up from the table.) We told J that he lost his opportunity to eat. He did get a few crackers because he had to take his antibiotic and we were not going to give it to him on an empty stomach.
• Friday the boys talked and talked to Nana about Haiti. Our boys suffered horrible abuse in Haiti at the hands of the orphanage workers who we entrusted to take care of them. This happened when they were moved from Port Au Prince out to Les Cayes. They have told us a few things here and there, but more and more come out almost daily. Both of my children sleep with their heads covered up even though they are sweating to death. They told Nana today that the reason they did that is because people used to come spit in their mouths while they were sleeping if they didn't. Also they made my oldest sleep in a separate room from the other children while there. This also leads me to believe that he was sexually abused. We already knew they had been beaten with a belt. Other children there would make up stories on my oldest one and then he would be punished (He gets highly upset if he is falsely accused of something, like I mean major denial and crying, etc more than just a normal child). There is more but it just breaks my heart that someone would do this to children. I would never recommend people to adopt from the same orphanage we used.

Well I think that is all caught up for now. Sorry I was so long in writing.

Getting Family Members on Board

Ok so today has actually been pretty awesome with the boys. We all three laid on the couch this afternoon and ended up taking a nap. No one was in trouble I was just snuggling with R and he fell asleep in my arms and J was laying up against my legs and it was just so nice and comfortable and I ended up drifting off to sleep as well.

The only problems today was J decided when he got up that he did not want to be touched by mama and he refused to do his strong sitting properly, so he got to do sloppy sitting improperly for double the time. R did a wonderful job with his strong sitting and I am really proud of him. I still am not sure what is going on between the two of them. J has been much more defiant about doing anything that even smells of therapeutic parenting. R however has just went right along with what I asked and has been more sneaky in his defiance (ie playing dumb or "forgetting" the rules). But for the most part there has been much more hard parenting with J. Maybe I am just getting played big time. I am still trying to figure all of this out.

My big problem at the moment though is getting everyone on board. I am the type of person who takes on a project and tackles it full force and does the best I can to get it done. However I feel like a lot I am having to pull along family members who are not as quiet on board. I know our therapist says therapeutic parenting will not work if everyone is not on board. So do I just not do therapeutic parenting? Am I doing more harm than good trying to enforce rules when no one else is? I think my husband just really does not get it (ie he has never been a disciplinarian and now is needing to step up to the plate because our therapist says mommy is not supposed to really discipline.) Nana has been caught in some out and out lies (ie telling daddy one thing and telling me another) and I really do not think she has her heart into doing the program. So any ideas on how to get other people in your family on board so you don't feel like you are dragging them along.

Playing Dumb

Ok so both of my children are pretty smart cookies. They came from Haiti knowing how to do some basic things, one of which is counting. Our first full day here J ended up in the hospital from severe dehydration and scabies and severe diarrhea. And one of the things we did to pass the time was to count. We counted everything. R was there and we quickly learned that they both could count to 70 with no problem. So imagine my surprise today when we were trying to count up some Blokus puzzle pieces which just went to 21. (PS Blokus is a great game to play and they are building brain skills by having to problem solve.) So first off R gets to 9 and then forgets what comes after 9. Then J decides he is going to play dumb as well and counts to 13 and then just can not remember what comes next. I was like man did I just imagine that they really can count up to 70. Then I figured out quickly, oh no we are just trying to play mommy like a fiddle. However therapeutic parenting techniques came out and we went to "rest our brains" until dinner time (because they never could remember how to count again). Resting our brains in the afternoons is a good thing for J because while he refuses to take a nap when he rests his brain he inevitably falls asleep.

Also we have started implementing at dinner time where if you chew with your mouth open, smack, or talk with your mouth full then you have to go sit at the table away from us and you do not get what the rest of us are eating. Well R was just trying to push tonight and see if we were going to follow through. So he had to go sit by himself. But then J decided to push too. So he ended up sitting over there too and eating a turkey sandwich. Well he just decided he was not going to eat anything. So we waited until we (ie my husband and I) were through eating to give him to start eating. (We have been told right now we do not worry about whether they eat or not but about them behaving and when they get hungry they will eat). He refused and so we went on with our nightly routine (ie bath time, brushing teeth, getting ready for bed). So Daddy was trying to get him to take some mouthwash they are supposed to use per the dentist before brushing their teeth. Well he ended up spitting it all over Daddy and himself. Daddy told him he had to clean it up before he went to bed. It took him over an hour of whining in the bathroom before he finally cleaned it up and now he is tucked safe and sound in the bed.

Let's see what tomorrow holds. I can't wait!!!

Whining

Ok so today we have started really implementing some techniques, like asking for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! So both of my boys are currently sitting on the couch because they were not strong enough to ask to play with the toys they had. Having them ask for everything is really tough, but not only with that both of my boys are whiners. You can be saying in a gentle voice "Mommy is sorry that you are not strong enough to ask to play with your toys. Maybe you need to sit on the couch until you can get strong enough?" Well they will sit on the couch and then just whineeeeeeeeee like you are killing them or that you took away their best friend or you have hurt their feelings beyond repair. And then comes the demanding. "HUNGRY!!!" As if I was placed on this earth only to feed them. Saying "Oh honey mommy is sorry you are not strong enough to ask to eat" is met with you guessed it, more whining. I honestly think with him food right now is something that he feels in his brain and not in his stomach. He is always hungry and always wants something to eat. Trying to break this habit leads to his favorite thing, more whining. And not giving your child something to eat when he is saying "hungry" just makes me feel all kinds of bad things about myself. I mean who let's their child starve (as my mother tells me). So where do you draw the line on feeding them? And how do you deal with the whining (when you want to stuff cotton in your ears)?

Another Day, Another Dollar

Ok so today was our day that we (ie my husband and I) go to our attachment therapist specialist, who tells us how wonderful we are doing but we could be doing xyz. Hmmmm can you tell she is also a RAD mom herself. She does help us to feel like we are trying to do the right things, but I just can not get over the fact that she does not work with the children at all. So on that note we will be looking for yet another therapist that will work with R, while for a time continuing on with her (then we will see how things go). At least there is someone saying that you need to do this and that. That is a comfort in itself.

Unlike some people right now we are not in a position for me to quit work. This makes it VERY hard for me to do therapeutic parenting. I always feel like I am being a failure at something, not doing enough at work and teaching for the students, or not doing enough at home. My parents do not help matters. While I love them both dearly and greatly appreciate the sacrifices they are making (ie Nana retired to stay at home and take care of the boys while I work), they can drive me absolutely bonkers. Our therapist is telling us that all sweets and fun times come from mama alone. Well the latest battle was over a stinking popsicle. Nana had promised the boys a popsicle (something you should never do with a RAD child) tomorrow, when we have told her no sugar from her. Well she gets upset and a long lecture ensues from my dad. I just want them to realize these are my children and mine and my husband's word are final on raising them. I am working hard to be able to stay at home with my children, but until that happens there will always be these little issues that creep up. It is hard enough to therapeutic parent and work, it is about to drive me bonkers to therapeutic parent, work, and argue with my parents about what is best for my children.

Ok so I guess that is enough venting for tonight. I have not invited my mother to this blog so I can vent about these things without her getting her feelings hurt anymore. I know this is a hard time for all of us, but I really need a little more support and a little less arguing right now. Thank God for my level headed husband who seems to keep us all sane.