The Weekend from Well You Know Where

Well this weekend was a doozy. First the youngest one acted out all day on Saturday. Drip...drip...drip. Climbing on the counter at the grocery store, telling me he was telling me something not asking, asking or repeating the same thing I had just said or answered a million times (ok maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but man did it seem like it). I know this child is our "traditional" RAD child, and I know all of this is because of trauma. However when he goes to the restroom and come out covered in water and tells you he has been playing in the water, well my brain just wants to go bonkers. It is like I forget that he is only five. I find myself stepping outside myself and being like "J what were you thinking? What are our rules? Really you thought it was a good idea to be playing in the water and soak your shirt?" If it was just one thing I could overlook it a little more, but no this is constant all day. He missed a big reward too, no getting his hair braided, eating out with mommy, or watching a Christmas show on TV. Man did we ever pay for it the rest of weekend.

I started out Sunday with him head butting me on purpose. I ended it by being kicked in the mouth and nose by my oldest. I swear it is almost a relief to go to work. I give major props to the moms who can do this day in and day out while homeschooling their children.

I do know that this comes from attachment issues. I see the attachment that is happening. I know it is there, but man do I ever hate the sabotage that comes with that. I HATE RAD. It sucks to constantly be on guard and to never be able to totally get lost in the moment with them. I love having fun with my children. I live to give them new experiences and to see the happiness and excitement on their face. It sucks to never just be able to give into that totally.

However I also see the blessings of having these children. I am learning to parent and love in a whole new way. I know that God is going to heal them and it is going to be wonderful. I get to see glimpses of that healing. I actually get real hugs now from the youngest one, I mean holding on for seconds. That never used to happen. I see getting to comfort the oldest one sometimes. I see them talking about their feelings. I see myself maturing in my walk with God through working with these boys. The blessings and the healing is there, just some days and some moments that gets lost in the middle of fighting a battle, not with my children, but with this horrible thing called RAD.