This is Normal??

Wow I had a scary thought today. I was talking to Rob and started to say, "Man I will be glad when our life gets back to normal." Then I stopped myself and thought holy crap this is normal. We are currently walking through Rob looking at being hospitalized for a few days because he is retaining fluid and can't get it to drain off. We also found out in the next month we will be going to UAB for him to be evaluated for a kidney transplant. The boys are going through the RAD stuff (another post for another day entitled "I HATE RAD!!!").

When I start thinking about this I get a little depressed. I have been reading a lot lately to keep me sane, ummm or to not kill certain children, your choice. LOL I mean I have been reading this awesome book called "Do You think I'm beautiful?" And it is all about how God created us to dance with Him. To just step into His arms and trust Him fully. However, lately I have been thinking, God if this is the dance you called me to can I do it? Do I want to do it? I mean sometimes it seems like one blow after another.

I meet an awesome Christian man who treats me like a princess, but oh wait he faces a terminal illness (yes Cystic Fibrosis is a terminal illness) who I am told while we are still engaged if he doesn't have a lung transplant he will be dead in five years. So we go through the transplant process being evaluated a week after our honeymoon, three dry runs (called over for a possible transplant but the lungs were no good), and finally we get the transplant and life is going good. We try an IVF to get pregnant, but the embryos are no good because of his CF. But just keep on trudging thinking ok God really isn't this enough? When is the break I get? Then we keep going and we find these wonderful kids to adopt and we are going to be a happy family. Oh but wait we are now faced with children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well we will get through it right? Yep great I have help and a supportive family, but oh wait in the middle of this your husband's kidneys are going to fail and he is faced with either dialysis or another transplant, a kidney one this time. I mean come on God give me a break literally.

Just once in this lifetime I want life to be easy. To just breeze through things. Did I get all of my easy breaks growing up and now life is going to be hard forever? I mean honestly it is one thing after another. There are a million other little things that have happened in the middle of all this that sometimes seem to be the straw that broke the camel back. I know I have to hold to the promises that God destines everything for the God of those that love him, and that He loves me and wants to dance with me. But dang it I am only human and sometimes it is so hard to hold to his promises. I am sympathizing with all of you out there walking through hard times. Know you don't suffer alone and if there is anything I can do to help let me know.